So you want a job do you? Sorry.
Oh? You have a CV? You have amazing experience? Sorry.
Really? You’ve turned it into an incoherent swirling infographic?
An interactive HTML5 website portfolio with witty viral video?
Really very rather sorry.
That’s right. If the traditional methods definitely no longer work then the cheap tricks are not going to work for much longer either. Anyone can make a fool out of themselves online and demand google give them a job (for the record, google didn’t hire the googlepleasehire.me guy) but if it were me, I’d really want to impress someone. Here are a few ideas for how (in an ideal world) i would do just that:
The self-replicating genetically perfect resume
This one may sound a bit gross, but i think it would be pretty impressive – although you might get arrested for it but hey, it’s all about getting noticed right? Here’s how I’d do it:
- • Ditch the digital and get out the test tubes
- • Consult the human genome dictionary and build a fleshy resume with pulsating stats & voice box to quickly answer any queries
- • Here comes the reversal bit, take the DNA and split into mRNA (taking the positive sense RNA).
- • Now take this RNA and find a vector, maybe a disused virus will do
- • Find the employer and transfer cvVIRUS to them, where it will actually use their body to create and build the document from scratch with their own nucleic acids
- • Voilà, a baby is born and you’ve got the job! †
The never ending hyper-personalised advert
Well, hopefully it does have ending, it ends with a click. A hire and a glorious CTR of 1! This is a neat little idea if you’re looking for a job focused on SEO/SEM/Media or perhaps even if you wanted to demonstrate the fickleness of privacy online:
- • Head on over to linkedin and find the right person from HR/Recruitment/Department Head for the company you would like to work for
- • Put on your detectives hat and begin profiling them across multiple sites and social networks gathing as much info as possible
- • Get ready to deploy some hyper personalised ads with something like “Hey <your name>, Why not Hire <my name> for <job>?”
- • To make sure this really works you want to utilise their browsing history (hopefully it’s public, it probably is) with a sprinkle of behavioural targeting
- • If that doesn’t make them more curious than a skip of kittens then nothing will. Hired!
The alphabetti spaghetti resume surprise!
This is a sure fire winner! Who wouldn’t hire someone who sends them 1. an ingenious idea 2. an ingenious edible idea!
- • Buy yourself several cans of alphabet spaghetti and arrange the letters to spell out a message – keep it punchy (but tasty)
- • The next stage is the tricky part, how to make the letters assemble themselves correctly when poured out of a can?
- • A good way to get things to behave & align properly is with magnetism – perhaps iron filings in the letters would help with this? Another way of doing it would be with small molecular chains that keep the letters together (in my head I’m thinking maybe fibrin but really i have no idea)
- • Once the science has been sorted, repack, rebrand, send off and wait for the phone to ring….
But, hey, if you want to play it safe and go down the boring neo-traditional route then why just make a website? Why just a video? Think bigger & better and then think biggerer and betterer! That’s right, why not create an application or maybe an entire OS; just think, every other mouse click could say your name and every cursor a mini pointy version of your face! Or maybe, create your own business dedicated to getting you a job! For those that don’t know me so well, that was ironic on purpose.
The point is, whether or not the rate of employment remains stagnant or worsens people are going to continue to develop different ways to grab a companies attention, whether it’s desperation or innovation it’s going to happen and I for one are going to stay ahead of the curve – it’s always worth taking a risk & being different.
As Steve Jobs would say, “Stay Foolish”.
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